Getting to There (Navel Gazing While Black)

Longevity of life force is not a part of my generational story. We leave early and bloody. Guns turned to temples swimming in despair, bodies bloated and found after days alone and unlooked after, hearts and brains stuttered and seized by arteries no longer able to carry their burden. Longevity of life is not our way.

I feel I live mostly on borrowed time. I left my family’s home as early and as fast as I could; I left my hometown soon after and I have been running every since. I always knew what I was escaping. Less sure of where I wanted to go to and even less sure of what I wanted when I got “there.”
This sense of borrowed time is stronger, more pronounced as the mid point of my 60’s sails past. I think more and more about whether or not “there” is where I am or anywhere within reach. This is what I understand right now:

🦋You can’t outrun your wounds–the ones you received and the ones you gave. Healing them both is possible. Yours are in your hands; the ones you dealt are not, but with the boon of Grace you can be a part of that healing too.
🦋This world was never created to be soft or good or kind, though all of those gifts are very often present and can be conjured, if only for brief flashes.
🦋A life of clarity is a blessing and I suspect, a curse as well, but that shouldn’t stop the search for it.
🦋Regret can keep you honest and humble. It reminds you that failure is how we learn to do better.
🦋When All Black Lives Matter truly means ALL Black Folx, and the ways in which we matter become basic human rights to healthy food, clean water, good housing, inclusive education, inclusive compassionate medical care, and freedom from incarceration and all forms violence, at least in America the current systems and institutions will no longer exist. What it will take to make that happen most humans are not willing to risk or lose.

“There” is different for every human and some of us don’t give a fuck one way or another. We’re just trying to get through right now. I am a Black Womxn trying to find a life of clarity in a violent, anti-Black, misogynistic, racist, ableist, and ageist world. I lean toward the latter category on most days. On days I have the guts for it, I search for meaning and connection. I cast threads into the Web and pray they take hold in the Weaving.

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